TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from location. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But yes, certain, let us have A different area in which American Males can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Anyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he should really stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You understand, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Good tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting interest from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where my PTSD might have change-down assistance."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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